Listening tips can help boys open up
October 15, 2000 William S. Pollack has practiced listening to boys. He is the author of the best-selling books Real Boys and Real Boys' Voices, and assistant professor of psychology at Harvard Medical School. Pollack is a consultant to the Secret Service on its study of school shootings. "Obviously, school shooters are the tip of an iceberg. That's the bad news. "The good news is that when you can get boys to open up and talk to you, boys yearn to talk. What comes from the Secret Service results and my research is that we shouldn't be looking at all boys as criminals, yet we should be looking at boys in general as more disconnected than we thought. They want to know: `Why can't you hear our pain?' " His tips for listening: * Honor a boy's need for "timed silence," to choose when to talk. * Find a safe place, a "shame-free zone." * Connect through activity or play. Many boys express their deepest experience through "action talk." * Avoid teasing and shaming. * Make brief statements and wait; do not lecture. * Share your own experiences (if relevant). It lets your boy know he is not alone with issues. * Be quiet and really listen with complete attention. * Convey how much you admire and care about and love the boy. * Give boys regular, undivided attention and listening space. * Don't prematurely push him to be "independent." * Encourage the expression of a full and wide range of emotions. * Let him know that real men do cry and speak. * Express your love as openly as you might with a girl. * When you see aggressive or angry behavior, look for the pain behind it. Bill Dedman Copyright 2000 Chicago Sun-Times |